NO PORN

I read this fantastic blog post a few months ago and took notes.

I modified this contract to better suit our parenting style but the idea is the same.  In this early morning’s summer vacation sleep fest fog, I dragged the teenagers to the kitchen table and handed them pens.  It took them less than 60 seconds to pry both eyes open and realize what they were reading.  I’m hoping they’ll assume this was just a dream when they finally reach consciousness and by that time, it will be too late to retract their signature from my official document.

But seriously.

As our kids walk down life’s long hallway, limitless unlocked doors on either side of them, it’s my job to talk them out of opening every one.

They can save that for their college years.

iPhone Contract

  • This is your parents’ phone.  They have bought it for you to use and they may take it at any time.
  • Your parents may take your phone whenever they feel like it and they may look at all your pictures, read your texts, check your Facebook, your email and browse your apps whenever they want.  Do not sign this contract if you do not agree to this.
  • If you get a text or call from “Mum” or “Dad” – do not ignore it.  You will lose it if you do.
  • This phone stays upstairs in the dining room unless you get specific permission to bring it with you to school, in the car, in your bedroom, anywhere.
  • You must spend more time with your noses in books, watching good movies, drawing, writing, daydreaming, being active and hanging out with your little brother than you do on this iPhone.
    • The iPhone is capable of more than just showing you pictures of funny cats, witty meme’s and viral videos of people eating like animals.  This device can inspire your creativity and stimulate your passion and imagination.  Anybody can look at stupid funny stuff, but it takes brains to seek knowledge.
  • Your phone will stay signed into your parents’ Apple account and you may not purchase or download music or apps (yes, even the free ones) without permission.
  • Any pictures you take will immediately be sent to your Mum’s iCloud on her computer.  Don’t take any pictures you wouldn’t want her to see.  Be artistic with your photos, be creative, capture moments, but nobody wants to see pictures of your junk.
  • Any selfies taken must be appropriate – absolutely no cleavage, sexy duck face (quack) or suggestive pictures taken or uploaded to any social networking sites, sent to friends and/or sent to creepy 40 year old men who still live in their mother’s basement.
  • No porn.  Am I clear on that?  I realize you are hormonal teenagers but if at any time I even suspect you are searching for porn, I will Net Nanny your iPhone quicker than you can say “lesbian twins jumping on trampolines while eating chocolate covered bananas.”
  • NO PORN.
  • If you have questions about sex, ask me or your Dad.  We know things.
  • If you lose, break, damage or destroy this iPhone, we will hold a sad funeral for it, we will cry and console one another, bury it in the backyard and replace it with a sweet TrackFone complete with $10 in minutes per month.  But you will pay us $40 every month to cover the cost of your iPhone line that we are contractually obliged to for two years.
  • I love you both more than I could write on paper and I am so proud to be your mother.
  •  You’re smarter and more responsible than most kids your age, I know this.  I believe my incredibly amazing parenting may have played a role in this.
  • Many years from now we will sit around the Thanksgiving table and laugh about this.  And also probably cry a little, me because I will be a menopausal woman lamenting her children grown and gone and you because the emotional scars of growing up with neurotically strict parents still haven’t healed.

______________________________                     _____________________________
______________________________                     ______________________________

Recommend this article
Renée Chalou

About Renée Chalou

Renée Chalou lives and raises her family in Presque Isle, where she owns a fitness and wellness center. Her oldest son is in his second year at UMO, her daughter will soon enlist as active duty in the U.S. Air Force and her youngest son is an active, happy 11 year old in 6th grade. From her life experiences as a homeschooling parent, blending a family, and transforming herself from an overweight, sedentary side-line mother to a competitive athlete mother and fitness leader in her community, she writes about what she knows: living life well even when it's not perfect. She writes about finding and clinging to the good even when it would be easy to focus on the bad. Life in Northern Maine is wonderful, full of adventures and sub-zero temperatures. It's not for everybody and nobody says it's easy. But it's a good life, it's hers and she'd like to share some of it with you.