NO PORN

I read this fantastic blog post a few months ago and took notes.

I modified this contract to better suit our parenting style but the idea is the same.  In this early morning’s summer vacation sleep fest fog, I dragged the teenagers to the kitchen table and handed them pens.  It took them less than 60 seconds to pry both eyes open and realize what they were reading.  I’m hoping they’ll assume this was just a dream when they finally reach consciousness and by that time, it will be too late to retract their signature from my official document.

But seriously.

As our kids walk down life’s long hallway, limitless unlocked doors on either side of them, it’s my job to talk them out of opening every one.

They can save that for their college years.

iPhone Contract

  • This is your parents’ phone.  They have bought it for you to use and they may take it at any time.
  • Your parents may take your phone whenever they feel like it and they may look at all your pictures, read your texts, check your Facebook, your email and browse your apps whenever they want.  Do not sign this contract if you do not agree to this.
  • If you get a text or call from “Mum” or “Dad” – do not ignore it.  You will lose it if you do.
  • This phone stays upstairs in the dining room unless you get specific permission to bring it with you to school, in the car, in your bedroom, anywhere.
  • You must spend more time with your noses in books, watching good movies, drawing, writing, daydreaming, being active and hanging out with your little brother than you do on this iPhone.
    • The iPhone is capable of more than just showing you pictures of funny cats, witty meme’s and viral videos of people eating like animals.  This device can inspire your creativity and stimulate your passion and imagination.  Anybody can look at stupid funny stuff, but it takes brains to seek knowledge.
  • Your phone will stay signed into your parents’ Apple account and you may not purchase or download music or apps (yes, even the free ones) without permission.
  • Any pictures you take will immediately be sent to your Mum’s iCloud on her computer.  Don’t take any pictures you wouldn’t want her to see.  Be artistic with your photos, be creative, capture moments, but nobody wants to see pictures of your junk.
  • Any selfies taken must be appropriate – absolutely no cleavage, sexy duck face (quack) or suggestive pictures taken or uploaded to any social networking sites, sent to friends and/or sent to creepy 40 year old men who still live in their mother’s basement.
  • No porn.  Am I clear on that?  I realize you are hormonal teenagers but if at any time I even suspect you are searching for porn, I will Net Nanny your iPhone quicker than you can say “lesbian twins jumping on trampolines while eating chocolate covered bananas.”
  • NO PORN.
  • If you have questions about sex, ask me or your Dad.  We know things.
  • If you lose, break, damage or destroy this iPhone, we will hold a sad funeral for it, we will cry and console one another, bury it in the backyard and replace it with a sweet TrackFone complete with $10 in minutes per month.  But you will pay us $40 every month to cover the cost of your iPhone line that we are contractually obliged to for two years.
  • I love you both more than I could write on paper and I am so proud to be your mother.
  •  You’re smarter and more responsible than most kids your age, I know this.  I believe my incredibly amazing parenting may have played a role in this.
  • Many years from now we will sit around the Thanksgiving table and laugh about this.  And also probably cry a little, me because I will be a menopausal woman lamenting her children grown and gone and you because the emotional scars of growing up with neurotically strict parents still haven’t healed.

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This entry was posted in Parenting, Teenagers by Renée Chalou-Ennis. Bookmark the permalink.

About Renée Chalou-Ennis

Renée Chalou-Ennis lives in Presque Isle with her husband Jason and their three children, ages 17, 15 and 8. She owns a wellness center and instructs fitness classes part-time. Amidst battling the breeding laundry pile and negotiating the hormonally-fueled spectacles that accompany raising two teenagers, she enjoys helping motivate people to reach their fitness goals. She’s learned not to take herself entirely too seriously and tries to inject as much humor into life, work, play and parenting as possible, much to the teenagers’ chagrin. She’s fairly certain they’ll grow to like her someday. From the challenge of blending a family, part-time home schooling her children, having a severely asthmatic child, raising teenagers, life in rural Maine or losing 30 lbs to transform herself from sedentary sideline mother to competitive athlete mother, Renée writes about a life worth living well, even when it's so funny you want to cry.